What's in a Name?

"Some to the fascination of a name, Surrender judgment hoodwinked." - William Cowper


In the field of work I'm in, I have seen my fair share of inappropriate baby names.  It pains me to see that people don't respect their children enough to give them decent names.  It's like their children aren't people, they're possessions, or worse yet, jokes.  There are those who name their children cutesy stupid names:  Abcde (Pronounced "Ab-suh-dee" -- "Hooked on Phonics worked for me"); criminal-esque names:  Cocaine, Mary Jane, Phelony; and even "evil" names: Lucifer, Natas ("Satan" backwards).  What stupid baby names have you come across?  Should parents be allowed to name their kid whatever they want, even if it's "Cocaine"?

Watchin' the wheels go 'round

My mind is just so active and busy with worries, thoughts, to-do lists, etc. that lately it has become difficult to relax.  I like to be in control of things--to know what lies ahead so I can plan-- but we all know that life is full of surprises, good and bad.  Two years ago I was taking some children to an emergency shelter.  When I called to make arrangements, the lady at the shelter told me, "Hey, there's construction and Woodlawn is closed, so you're going to turn right on St. Cloud, then turn left on Huisache and take the second entrance into the shelter."  Note, I didn't remember everything, nor did I write it down.  I have a GPS, so I thought to myself that I could disregard her instructions and follow the GPS because after all, the GPS won't get me lost.  I took the kids to get something to eat because it was dinnertime after their parent/child visit and one of the girls had a birthday and their mom didn't even give her a handmade card or get them anything to eat or drink.   By the time we got out of the eatery, it was pouring outside.  So I'm driving these four adorable kids in the pouring rain and can't see because the rain is falling so hard my windshield wipers can't keep up.  I see the detour sign, look at my GPS and I remembered the lady at the shelter saying to turn on St. Cloud.  Well, I didn't get the other street name and followed the detour, twice coming back to where the shelter was.  The GPS told me I was in the right place, but what I didn't realize was that the entrance I went in was the front one, which was now a construction entrance and my car got stuck in the mud.  She had been telling me to go to the one in the back that was not affected by all this mess.  I tried to get the car out, but my wheels kept spinning to no avail.  I called the gal at the shelter and told her we were in the front of the shelter, stuck in the mud.  She said, "You didn't listen to my instructions!" and proceeded to instruct me where to go.  Mea culpa.  Mea maxima culpa.  I should have listened to her.  I tried multiple times again to get us out of the muck.  The kids prayed ("Dear Jesus, PLEASE help Miss Chris get the car out of the mud") and I drove out at an angle, steadily hit the gas and finally got the car out.  My successful escape was punctuated by four loudly cheering children ("Thank you Jesus!") and a round of applause.  I promptly followed the lady's instructions and made it to the correct entrance.  Sometimes we are so presumptuous that we fail to listen to those who have the knowledge and experience and instead we blindly follow our own directions and wind up in the wrong place, spinning our wheels.  It is at that point that we need to lose our pride and say "Help me.  I'm lost."  We can't always do it alone and we should never be afraid to ask for guidance, be it from another person or God.

Old Blog Entries

Well, I was reading some of my old blog posts today.  They were from 2005.  Boy, am I glad I got through those times.  I'm posting a few here, just to remind myself and anyone else that when you feel down you have to remember that it gets better.  Even more importantly, you have to remember that as big as it seems, if you have the most important things in life, your loved ones and your health, that you really do have all that matters.  Everything else is small potatoes.  It's just that it's the "little things" that often bring us down.

So, here they are in chronological order:

Jan 11, 2005

"Eking Out the Gray"

Current mood:contemplative

So I'm sitting here wondering just how long it takes for all that dull grayness to finally find it's way out of me. Think of what it would be like if you never changed the oil in your car. What if all you ever did was just top it off with new oil? It would take a long time for the residue of the old oil--all the sludge that's built up-- to find it's way out of the motor so it could run on clean oil. Even so, I don’t think it would be truly clean. All that sludge and muck would cause problems with the car. It wouldn’t perform to its optimum level…it’d be sluggish…some days it might not even want to move very well. Sooner or later the detrimental effects will take their toll on other parts of the car. Well, that's what I've been doing all these years. Running on residue from old memories, long hidden hurt, and grudges. Sure, I've been adding more positive things to my life over the years, but I haven’t really let go of all the old sludge, so I’m eking the gray away, ever so slowly, but because I never rid myself of all the past pain and negativity, I’m not running at my optimum level...hell, I’m not even running at an acceptable level. Occasionally that old sludge gets trapped in the form of past grudges or wounds that never fully healed, and infiltrate my being-- suffocating my heart, confusing my mind, disrupting my body. Through the whole process of trying to get on with my life, trying to blend the new in with the old, I’ve forgotten that all the old stuff was still there, buried underneath years of sadness, pain and neglect. It’s time for an oil change.

Jan 12, 2005

"Time for an Oil Change"

Current mood:pensive

Okay, so I know what I have to do, but why is it so hard to let go of the sludge? What redeeming value is there to keeping it? Is it in any way helping me or improving my life? Is it producing happy memories of times long gone or just serving to remind me past sorrows? I can assure you it’s not the former...at least not for the most part. Sure you can find bits of happy memories floating around all the sludge, but in order to get to them, you have to have let the sludge in. I’m thinking that the only reason I might possibly have for keeping them around is because I’m afraid some small happy memory attached to it might be tossed out in the process of letting go of the sludge. Even, so is it worth it to keep all the negative stuff just for the promise of a glimmer of happiness? Or is it better to just let it all go and start all over with a fresh outlook? Or even still, is it possible to let most of the sludge go and keep the small bits of happiness that remain, or will that just keep my spirit tainted, eventually causing more disruptance to my entire psyche and soma?

Jan 12, 2005

"Sludge = People too"

Current mood:pensive

Probably the hardest thing to realize is that the sludge which holds us back from achieving happiness can be not only negative experiences or emotions we’ve been harbouring in our hearts, but the people in our lives who bring those experiences or emotions to us in a variety of ways. One of those types of people is The Vampire. Not the kind you see in horror movies, but people who feed on your heart and soul…those who seize every opportunity to steal your trust, your love, your hope, your happiness. They aren’t givers, and if they ever do give, it’s only to get something in return. There’s always an ulterior motive with The Vampire. The problem with The Vampire however, is the same as the ones in Eastern European folklore: they are usually invited in. We invite them into our lives because they are charming, sophisticated, manipulative—in short, they know how to play you. They play upon your emotions. So, you invite them into your life, blinded by their seemingly marvelous outer selves, all the while missing cues that would otherwise be so obvious to you. Maybe there are some good times to be had with these vampires, but really in the end, it’s quite a hefty price to pay to lose your soul—your psyche—for some fleeting moments that wind up circling against the sludge. Perhaps you’ve really grown to care for the vampires in your life…it’s quite possible. However, that doesn’t mean we have to put up with their lies, deceit, their vainglorious attempts to sabotage our happiness…or does it?

Jan 16, 2005

"Realizing Self-Worth"

Current mood:content

I read something today in Oprah Magazine. It was very similar to something my friend Ben told me. It has to do with weight loss, but can easily apply to any area of your life where you let yourself go. Oprah was writing about her weight loss team and told them “I want you to think about why you’re overweight. But let me save you a lot of time: The reason you’re fat is that you give more to other people than you give to yourself, because you don’t feel you’re worth it…Put yourself at the top of the list so you can treat your body with as much care and respect as you’d give to someone else’s—and when anyone needs something from you, you will be operating from a full cup.”

This can be said for any problem we’re dealing with, really. Substitute the word “fat” for any obstacle that has to do with our physical and mental well being. Mine just happens to be “fat.” I notice that the longer I run on empty, with all this sludge (emotional as well as physical) harboured within me, the less effective I am at giving to others. When the time comes to be there for them, I’m either not all there mentally or am just too exhausted to be of any use.

So I need to concentrate on taking the time…no wait, making the time to improve my psyche and soma. “Taking” the time implies that I’ve got to get it back from someone else. “Making” the time implies that I’ve set aside a predetermined amount of time because I’m worth it. I’ve got to get rid of the sludge once and for all. Determine what people in my life are worth devoting time to…and which are best left alone for now. So I’ll keep away from the vampires, because I don’t have the wherewithall to bear such an emotionally and physically depleting kind of relationship and save my energies for improving myself so I can be there, completely, for the most important people in my life, my family and true friends.

Cheers, chris :)

Mar 1, 2005

"Fade to Black..."

Current mood:depressed

Where do you go when you feel like you’ve hit rock bottom? Normally I’d say up…but at this point in my life I feel like I’m stuck in the bottom of a well, trying to to scale old and worn rock walls slick with algae. The harder I try to climb out of it, the harder I fall back down to the murky depths from which I’ve tried so hard to escape. So at this point I feel like I’m not only going nowhere, but I’m actually regressing. Every attempt to succeed is ending in failure. Betrayals seem to be commonplace. I’m trying really hard to stay optimistic, but I’m losing the battle. Pessimism is winning. Hell, it’s not even pessimism anymore…it’s futility. What is the point of trying when my experience has told me that it’s no use? I feel like I’m being sucked into a black abyss of hopelessness and despair. Have you ever sat in pitch black? I don’t mean where you can see shadows or the type where you turn your lights off in your room at night. I mean pitch black. Only once was I ever exposed to pitch black like that. Even my eyes couldn’t adjust to make out thinly veiled shadows. It was in a cave far below the earth’s surface. The tour guides turned off all the lights. My hand was in front of my face and I couldn’t see it. That is how I feel right now. I don’t know where to go because I can’t see anything, not even myself. I’m lost to me. I have no meaning, no purpose-- I’m as good as gone. I’ve faded to black. Someone, please turn on the lights...I need to find my way out.

Mar 14, 2005

"Is That a Light at the End of the Tunnel?"

Current mood:confused

Is that a light at the end of the tunnel? Well, I have to say despite all my recent setbacks, I’ve realized I’m pretty damn lucky. I have an abundance of friends--near and far, old and new--who have lent their emotional and spiritual support in this time of need. And even though my family is small, they are the best. So, where do I go from here--physically and emotionally? Do I stay in San Antonio, where most of my support network is, or try someplace new? I’m trying to remain hopeful that a job will turn up here, but if it doesn’t, I guess I have to be prepared to go wherever the jobs are. The most difficult part is knowing whether or not I’m making the right decisions. I used to think I knew exactly what was best for me…now I realize that I don’t. Because of some situations that turned out wrong, even though my intuitions led me to believe I was making the right decision, I’ve lost confidence in my ability to make good decisions. Wait…maybe that’s a train…

Mar 19, 2005

"More Vampires and a Living Dead Girl"

Current mood:crushed

I was listening to Marilyn Manson's cover of the old M*A*S*H theme song, "Suicide is Painless". The lyrics struck a chord: "The sword of time will pierce our skins It doesn't hurt when it begins But as it works its way on in The pain grows stronger...watch it grin" This takes me back to vampires… There are more vampires in my life than I originally thought. The sad thing is, I keep inviting them in, even to the point of wanting them to stay. What is it with me? Why would I want someone in my life who uses me? Obviously I still have some serious self-esteem issues, or I wouldn't be in this situation. At this point I'm talking males here but I'm not saying that all males are bad, when clearly they’re not. I’ve got some great friends who are male. I just seem to make bad decisions when it comes to relationships. Lately I’ve been doing that a lot. I think that the hardest part is coming to terms with the fact that I’ve fucked up. Royally. That people can’t be changed, no matter how hard you wish they could. I'm so disappointed with myself. How could I be so easily taken in and allow myself to be used? The worst part is the lying. Not just little lies either. Asking someone straight out about where the relationship is going, getting the answer I’d wanted to hear for so long (that they were interested in a serious relationship), and then having my hopes dashed within a matter of hours and in typical soap opera style with someone else entering the picture. The hardest part to deal with isn’t necessarily that I'm not getting what I had wanted…it’s more the fact that I was lied to, used, sucked dry, and lied to some more. Well, maybe he doesn’t believe he’s lying (yes, I know...I'm making excuses for his sorry ass). Who knows? The fact is I feel like shit and my ability to trust in relationships is further damaged. I put myself so far out there in relationships and then get lured into the Vampire’s charm. Meanwhile, the fangs are sinking into my skin and sucking dry every last bit of trust and hope from my veins. At that point, I don’t really care because I’m caught up in the idea that someone loves me and cares for me the way I do for them. It isn’t until reality bitch slaps you in the face just hours later in the form of a girl who’s probably been just as fooled as I am. Then, sinking lower into the abyss, I struggle to maintain some dignity and self-respect, only to find I have none. I guess the previously unresolved feelings I had have been resolved to some extent...I can't be with someone I cannot trust. I’m the walking dead. Only pity I’m still alive.

Mar 20, 2005

“Everybody has secrets and everybody’s hiding something.”

Current mood:rejected

“Everybody has secrets and everybody’s hiding something.” So one of my best friends said this today. Is this really true? I don’t think I have anything to hide. As a matter-of-fact, I’m so honest, that I’m usually honest to my own detriment. Case-in-point...telling a prospective employer about my 2 month stint most recently that didn’t work out…I don’t need to do that, but I do. I feel very strongly about being forthcoming. I don’t want something to come back and bite me in the ass later. I feel good about coming clean or being clean to begin with so all the cards are on the table. Is it really that much to ask for? Honesty, I mean. It doesn’t cost anything, but yet people seem so reluctant to give it up, especially in relationships. I just wish people would tell the truth so I can make my own informed decisions regarding the relationship. But they don’t. They lie. They deceive. Then I’m left broken and spent. They take what they can from me, use me up and then I’m completely and utterly devastated. The sad thing is, I’d probably gladly give my all to these people if they’d have just been honest to begin with. That would be my free-will gift to them, to give of myself knowing the risks and still giving from my heart. However, when I’m deceived after having given my all to someone…it’s not a gift…it’s a theft. A theft of the heart. Stealing my trust, my love, my hope and my faith. I have no secrets and I’m not hiding anything. I’m me. Take me as I am. All I expect is the same in return. Is that so much to ask?

Mar 26, 2005

"Lifting the Curse"

Current mood:contemplative

So how do you get rid of the vampires in your life? I’m still struggling with this predicament. I think the key factor lies in being able to tell they’re vampires from the start and not give away so much of your heart. So how can you tell they’re vampires? I mean before you’re totally used and spent, sucked dry like a vacant corpse. It’s not like they cringe at the sight of a cross or don’t show up in mirrors. I suppose one way to tell is if they are as giving or nearly so in the relationship. If you have to do all the giving, or are nearly always the one to initiate contact, or if you don’t hear from them for a while after making that contact, or if you only hear from them when they’re lonely, then chances are, they’re vampires. Takers. Users. If any of these things occur, then it’s safe to say you’re going to be a victim of their wiley charms if you don’t take some precautionary measures to protect your heart. My suggestion is to either block them out of your life completely, or if you’re strong enough, limit your contact and involvement with them to the bare minimum. Don’t let them use you. Doing so is only an invitation to let the vampire into your heart. Once that happens, you’re dead meat.

Nov 12, 2005

"Digging a Hole for My Bag of Gold"

There’s that old parable in Matthew 25: 14-30 where prior to leaving on a long journey, a master entrusts his fortune to three of his servants. The first servant gets five bags, the second servant two, and the third servant gets one. He tells each of them to do something wise with their trust and that when he returns he wants to see what they’ve done with it. The first servant takes his five bags of gold, invests them and doubles what he was given. The second servant takes his two bags of gold, invests them as well and also sees his investment double. The third servant, fearing that the gold will be lost or even stolen, hides his bag of gold in a hole in the ground. When their master returns, he calls his three servants in to see what they have done with what they were given. He sees that the first servant has ten bags of gold and tells him, “Well done, good and faithful servant!” He puts him in charge of larger matters. The second servant comes forward with four bags of gold and he is proud of him as well and also puts him in charge of something more challenging. The third servant comes forward and presents his single bag of gold and proceeds to tell his master that he hid it because he was afraid. He punishes this servant for his foolishness and gives his bag of gold to the first servant.

Am I the industrious servant who takes what he is given and uses it to the best of his ability? Or am I the servant so afraid of failure, of loss, of what others may think about him, that I hide what little I have and squander away my future?

There are other hidden clues in this seemingly simple parable. For some, it can be seen as simply a triumph of the entrepreneurial spirit and the failure of someone afraid to step outside of their comfort zone. For me, however, it’s far more complex than that. It’s about battling the demons of self-doubt and low esteem.

“Was I only given such little responsibility because someone doesn’t think highly enough of me?” “Why did they get promoted and I didn’t? Yeah, it must be because I’m not good enough.” “I’d better hide what little I have because if I don’t, I’ll lose everything.” “What good is it to try anyway if I won’t succeed?”

And so it is with me. Lost a great job; gave up a great opportunity for a crappy one; was fired for taking sick leave when I had the flu and bronchitis; gave up another great opportunity for a crappy one; got fired for breaking my wrist and elbow.

Do I listen to those voices of self-doubt and recrimination, based on the perceptions and decisions of people who hardly know me or my abilities? Do I believe their opinions of me are valid?

It seems to me that the master had various levels of confidence in his servants, each according to their own abilities and limitations. However, it wasn’t the quantity of their gifts that determined their success, it was what they did with them that was their measure of success. Their talents, no matter how big or small could be put to use.

The question is, what am I going to do with mine? Dig a hole and hide them, forever afraid of failure, or try to nurture and develop them?

"We're Riding on the Escalator of Life"

Sometimes something as simple as a song title can really make you think.  If you recognize the title of this post, you probably remember the song of the same name that was popular in the mid-80s.  Despite the song's notoriety as a one hit wonder, the profoundness of its title--the analogy of life being an escalator--really rang true to me the other day.  The moment we are born, we step onto "The Escalator of Life."  Scared and unsure, we begin our lives with our parents guiding us onto the steps--supporting us and helping us as we gain our footing.  Preceding us are our older siblings, parents, grandparents, and great-grandparents.  As we ride the escalator, we are participating in life's journey.  There is no jumping off the escalator, or running backwards on it--the escalator propels us forward, unfaltering…persistent.  Our parents hold our hand, and soon we let go and hold onto the rails by ourselves.  As we move upward along the escalator, our perspective improves.  From further up the escalator, we can see more of our surroundings.  Similarly, as we age and mature, we move up our "escalator," our gained life experiences increasing our perspective, making us wiser (hopefully).  Up ahead we notice our great-grandparents and grandparents stepping off the escalator and onto the next level.  This is where our loved ones, and eventually we, will pass on to the afterlife.  When we lose our parents, and for some our older siblings, we have no one left in front of us on the escalator.  The reality is that our escalator ride and our life will have to eventually come to an end.  It can be scary, seeing the escalator step disappear under the next level, knowing we must disembark from the security and comfort of our ride.  However, if we know we have something wonderful and exciting ahead--the prospect of the afterlife--it becomes less fearful.  We see our loved ones waving to us from the next level and when we step off--the hand of our deceased parent or loved one will reach out to us and guide us safely off the escalator.

Laundry

I'm a big procrastinator.  I wait until the last minute and then scramble to get it done.  I put off little things until they become bigger things.  Now this doesn't happen with everything, but it does happen with things I either am afraid of failing or don't really want to do.   Two examples are losing weight and laundry.  I'm waiting on my laundry right now.  It's 12:06 am on September 12.  I have to be at work tomorrow morning and I should already have all my laundry done, but I don't.  I did two loads and have 2 more to do, which I'll do tomorrow.  Thankfully I have a small hamper and tackle it when it's full, which is weekly.  I just don't do it until really late on Sunday.  Unfortunately, I don't reel in my weight as easily.  I got to the point where I really need to lose the weight now as it's affecting my health.  It's kind of like not doing laundry for a couple of months.  It's not going to get done overnight and even if I do begin it, I won't see results for a while.  Unlike laundry, losing weight is something I want to do--I 'm just afraid of failing at it, so I keep putting it off.  I started exercising last week and did 5 days in a row but now I've had 3 off days.  This is not good and it's setting me out for failure.  At first it was just one day.  Something small and heck, "I can get right back on track tomorrow."  Well, then it was two days and three days.  Little things are on their way to becoming big things.  Tomorrow I have to begin again or I'm sabotaging myself.  I have to dig deeper and figure out how to get myself back on track.  Well, the buzzer went off and the dryer is finished.  That's it for tonight.